I remember having a conversation with one of my dear friends about an ex. I remember the anger bubbling up like a volcano. My tone changed. My jaw tightened. My words were less than loving.
I went on a rant. On a very angry rant about how the whole thing had unfolded.
I blamed him for being an asshole. I blamed myself for having no freaking boundaries.
I had tapped into a pocket of pain and it was all coming out.
After what felt like hours of pouring out all that yuck out of me, I finally said: “It seems like I’m so not over this yet”. It had been over a year since I was with the guy. And on top of that, I had already found a guy that was golden. So why on earth was I still so angry?
That night in bed, I had what I call “a no over yet hungover”.
I was asking myself:
“Why on earth I was not over that shit already?
Wasn’t that already a closed chapter?
How can I even be thinking about that when I already have the deep, committed, all-in-relationship I had always wanted?
Why was it so hard to just let him go?
Hadn’t I forgave him already?
How long was his poor behavior going to haunt me?
How long was I going to be taking care of that wound?
How much time was healing going to take?
Am I ever going to be free from this experience?”
My head was spinning in circles.
I felt like I had made no progress. I dreaded the fact that I was still hooked. I was fighting against it. Hard. With all my energy.
I fell asleep.
I woke up and I kept going.
Six months later, the same subject came up in a healing session.
I couldn’t believe it when we started exploring a subject that was seemingly unrelated.
(I learned that nothing is really unrelated). After a very intense session, I felt the weight of it lifted from my heart. It was 2 solid hours of tears and deep exploration.
And I came to realize that all my self-loathing for not forgiving him already was my resistance to understanding the cyclicality of healing and forgiveness. There is nothing more harsh to ourselves than expecting to be done with something when we are not there yet. There is nothing more painful than to stand outside of ourselves judging why the hell it’s so difficult for us to let go. Letting go is HARD. We are wired to connect and the wounds caused by a person we deeply connected with, take time, their time, to heal.
If you are facing a new wave of anger, hurt, sadness or rage, take it as part of a cycle rather than being back in square one. You are NEVER back to square one. You are expanding and once in a while, you will find another pocket that would have been impossible to handle at a previous moment.
You don’t need to be over it already.
It’s ok if it comes back and when it does attend to it rather than judging yourself for it.
It’s a cycle.
There will be a moment when no more pockets show up.